Very awesome Twilight
by Nasty-Duck-Breath
Summary: Be amazed. Be very amazed. Be awesomed.


Jacob was awakened by rain falling heavily on the smelly wooden roof. In all truth the rain was in fact falling lightly; though noises seemed to amplify and intensify when sounding in confined hollow spaces; and as in this instance the small and confined space the noise was sounding in was Jacob's head, and as Jacob's head was rather empty, the rain was thunderous.  
"Ugh… wet"  
Jacob quickly expressed his dismay after suspiciously extending his head out of the back yard kennel where he dwelt. Bella was kind enough to persuade Emmet to build the small dog house for Jacob to live in.  
Jacob hopefully moved his head toward the small dish with "JACOB" inscribed on the side; and dropped his head in dejection to find it was completely empty.

"RUFF!" Jacob hopefully projected the proclamation of his existence toward the Cullen mansion.

"SHUT UP!"  
He was met by one of Carlisle Cullen's spare shoes. The shoe was aptly branded Hush Puppies.

Once again Jacob dropped his head in dejection, and decided to slowly plod to the front of the house and sit himself down on the front veranda.

After several seconds of self sympathetic trudging through the wet grass Jacob was delighted to find Bella seated at head of the steps leading onto the veranda.

"Ruff!"  
He let his tongue happily roll out of his mouth.

Her eyes met his with a look of painful embarrassment.

"Jake… your in human form… can you stop acting like a dog… and please stop sleeping in the kennel its so degrading I hope you know Emmet and I were joking about you actually living there"  
Her words slowly dawned on him and he froze with the epiphany; leg hanging limply near the side of his head where he had been using it to scratch for fleas.  
"Oh… yeah… got carried away with the whole dog thing" he apologized  
"So Jacob… are you coming with us today?"  
"Uhh… today.. today…?"

"Jacob we received that letter… the people at the train station… wanting to meet"

"Oh yeah I remember that" said Jacob  
"So you'll come?" asked Bella  
"Ok… it sounds fishy… but ill come… is _he_ coming?"

_He_was coming, to Jacobs dismay; and what's more _he _walked out onto the veranda to find a very smelly wet dog-boy talking to his wife.  
"Get! Bad dog! Go on boy! Shoo! Shoo!"  
Jacob looked dumbfounded; momentarily blinded by the incredibly sexiness of Edward Cullen. Jacob then had several involuntary orgasms upon making eye contact with Edward and then ran off the veranda back to his kennel yelping and whining all the way.

Edward sighed, "I guess he's coming right Bella?"  
"Yes Edward… that's ok with you isn't it?"  
"Yes Belle, for you, he can come, but I forget where I left the leash and I don't feel like walking him this time, so can you take care of it?"

It was around mid-day when the Cullens, Jacob and Bella arrived, all of them looked wary except for Jacob who was slightly depressed that Bella had insisted on removing the leash and collar upon entering the station.  
Their reason for their presence at the station was that Jasper had found a letter in the mail, simply requesting the presence of all the Cullen's at the Falks train station, today, and in roughly five minutes. No other information about platforms or persons involved was implied; and even more curiously Alice's peculiar talents seemed to be rendered powerless in relation to the event. The Cullen's had collectively decided that beckoning the call would be the shrewdest course of action; this was at the expense of Jacob's own input who enthusiastically added several barks of warning; which were all laughed off when Esme seriously asked the family,  
"Who cares what dog-boy thinks?"  
Even little Renesme laughed; who secretly didn't like Jacob at all, in fact she thought him to be a nasty foul breathed genus confused individual.

But Renesme had since died to a server case of the chicken pox so her input was rather unimportant now; the Cullen's and Bella quickly recovered as Renesme had taken all the fun out of parenting by being born with the mind and capabilities of a highly intelligent person, and nobody likes a little smartass.

"Argh!" Declared a restless Emmet, grabbing an unfortunate passer by and ripping their arms out of their sockets.

"Argh" Agreed a unsatisfied Rose, grabbing another passer by; though this one noticeably more fortunate; as she started to engage in sexual intercourse with the person to let off steam.  
"Now now, settle down children" Chided Esme, "They should be here any second" she continued.  
As soon as the words left her cold vampiric lips an old steam train pulled into the station, and out of stepped three teenagers.

Bella observed them slowly, looking them up and down trying to work out of they were mortal or not; she instantly recognised them not to be vampires…yet more than average mortals, they held a strange power.

The first one to step off the train was a boy with dark ruffled hair, round glasses and a strange scar on his forehead. The second was a tall gangly red head, who quite frankly was an ugly freckle plagued troll. The third however was a very attractive girl with luscious brunette curls falling over her shoulders, perfectly clear skin, and teeth like white marble; the only unappealing asset she possessed was a confused young male humping her leg.  
"BAD JACOB!, BAD! JACOB!" screamed Edward.  
Jacob reluctantly moped away from the attractive girl.

The two parties spent an awkward moment sizing each other up, and after a while it was Carlisle who spoke.

"We are of the impression that you gave us this letter?"

He outstretched his hand containing the letter Jasper had found days earlier.  
The ugly red head took it, and almost instantly replied;  
"We thought… we thought you gave us this letter…"  
He handed back a similar looking manuscript to Carlisle.  
A look of concern crossed his face, he turned to Edward, but before he could explain he made a gurgling noise of joy; it was apparent to the other people in the group that Carlisle did not properly brace himself to look at Edward and in return he seemed to have reached a sexual climax by accident.  
After composing himself he handed Edward the letter and said,  
"It's the same as ours…"

"Someone wants all of us to be here" Edward murmured, "Please tell us, Who are you three? He continued.

The attractive female was first to reply  
"I'm Em-, sorry… I'm Hermione, this is Dan-… Harry… and the tall red head is-"  
"Oh that's ok Esme" interrupted. "We don't care about the ugly kid"  
"Yeah" laughed the one called Harry, "Who does?"  
Harry, Hermione, Bella the Cullen's and Jacob enjoyed a sudden burst of raucous laughter.  
"Shut up Jacob!" Snapped Alice.  
"Oh what a nice puppy" said the ugly tall one, "what kind is it?"  
"Shut up Ron!" replied Hermione.

"It's an ugly dog too" She spat in Jacob's direction.

However the friendly chit-chat was interrupted. Black clouds manifested in the air near to them; and too all of their surprise, the cloud begun to speak.  
Well in all truth Ron and Jacob didn't have the intellect of emotional capacity to generate surprise but they followed suit of the rest of the group and stared incredulously and let their mouths fall agape.

The cloud proclaimed.  
"I AM LORD MOLDEMORT!"

Tumble weed suddenly appeared and slowly blew through the station.

"Oh wait shit sorry… I've been hitting the Valium lately… uhhh hold up… can we just like… start this again, ok? Um evil dramatic entrance starting… now!"

Everyone rather unenthusiastically adopted the looks of shock again.

The cloud proclaimed.  
"I AM LORD VOLDEMORT!... yeah!"

"OH NO!" gasped the Harry, Hermione and the ugly kid in unison.  
"Whose this guy?" asked Emmet.  
"Your worst nightmare!" warned the ugly kid.  
"Shut up red-nut" muttered Emmet.  
"Yeah, shut up red-nut!" said Jacob  
"Shut up dog-boy" said Esme and Carlisle in union.

Voldemort turned to the Cullen's.  
"I am Lord.. yeah I said that… ummmm, Now my plan is complete! I have both the freak vampire family and you three pesky kids to crush together!"  
"What did we do?" asked Rosalie.  
"None shall have whiter skin that Molde…Volde… whatever… none shall be whiter then me… sorry sexy vampires its kinda my thing… so yeah evil scheme to kill you along with the kids I don't like"

The ugly kid took out a gnarled piece of wood from his pocket and screamed,  
"CRUCIO!"  
Voldemort drew a much finer piece of wood from his robe and used it to brush aside the shining spark that flew from the red-nuts wand and responded,  
"Spell-to-make-you-super-ugly!" a purple ray shot from the wand and hit the tall boy directly in the chest, curiously he seemed completely unchanged by the spell.  
"Oh yeah guess someone already did that one on you already hey…"  
Voldemort and the ugly kid both raised their wands in unison and prepared to issue new spells. It was interrupted though by a cry of,  
"Avada Cadarva!" The spell however was not directed at Voldemort, it was the beautiful Hermione who sent the spell soaring into the ugly ranga, he dropped dead and a wave of shock washed over everyone in the vicinity.

Hermione finally broke the silence…  
"Sorry… I just don't like that kid"

Everyone digested her random act of murder and her shallow justification for a brief moment and then burst out laughing.  
"Yeah he was pretty ugly, right?" gasped Carlisle in between bouts of giggling.  
"Yeah dumb kid, I never liked him anyway" said the one called Harry.

The happy moment of red-nut disposal did not last however, as Voldemort prepared to direct a new spell at Edward.  
"Avadaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…..."  
Everyone looked around awkwardly, the Cullens were used to this.  
"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…"  
They all waited around politely for several moments after Lord Voldemort recovered from the sexual pleasure that looking at Edwards face granted those who looked too closely.  
"aaaa… sorry about that"  
"Its ok" said Edward… "So you were saying?"  
"Avada Cadarva!"  
The green beam that shot from Voldemort's wand knocked Edward off his feet, but he quickly regained his composure.  
"Impossible" spluttered Voldemort.  
"How do you think you can kill what's already dead?" said Harry.  
Harry quickly raised his own wand and cried,

"Burflebuggle!"

Nothing happened.  
"Sorry I just made that one up hoping it would be cool" admitted Harry.  
Hermione was quick to rectify the lapse in offence however,  
"Stubio!" she directed the spell out Voldemort's feet.

The a pavement sidewalk appeared out of no where and hurled itself at Voldemort's feet, its uppermost edge came in contact with his toes and Voldemort issued a cry of intense pain.  
"Arrgh! Bitch you made me stub my toe on the sidewalk, that really hurt!" tears welled up in his eyes.  
It was Harry who took the offensive this time,  
"Trolleyus-fallus!" A trolley spun itself out of the air above Voldemort's head and dropped, hitting him on the head.  
"You guys are jerks" whimpered a tearful Dark Lord.  
"Well how do you like this one Voldemort?, Reallius-Suckius" screamed Harry.

"What did that one do? Asked Bella.  
"Yeah I didn't feel anything" stated Voldemort.  
"Oh really?" said Harry, "Well take a look at this, that spell makes your favourite T.V get cancelled" He handed Voldemort a small magazine entitled _T.V guide_

"NO! WHERE HAS ANIMAL RESCUE GONE?"  
Voldemort was truly infuriated now  
"Prepare to get an ass whooping boy!... MohammedAli-us!"

In front of Harry appeared the three time world heavy weight champion Mohammed Ali.

"Uhhh… whose he said Harry?"  
"I am the greatest!" replied Ali.

Ali threw a right lead followed by a quick left upper cut, breaking Harry's glasses then nose.

No one was quite sure how it happened but Emmet was suddenly sitting at a desk with a tuxedo and microphone in hand.

"And Ali hits Potter again, Potter swings and misses Ali counters with a swift left jab, another jab, Ali is dancing now, Harry tries the rope-a-dope but Ali just continues with some very affective hooks at the body, Potter looks like he is going to hit the canvas at any moment. Ali is toying with him, Ali ducks under a Potter hook and replies with an uppercut, LADIES AND GENTLE MOHAMMED ALI HAS KNOCKED HARRY POTTER OUT!"

Harry's face had been beating into the back of his head, and rather then prolong the event of his demise he simply did as so many had done before when facing Mohammed Ali and curled up into a small ball and died.

"No!" cried Hermione "it cant end like this:  
"Vietnamius-Draftius!" she pointed at Ali, and he suddenly vanished.

"I think you guys better let us take this one from here!" said Edward.  
"Yeah agreed Emmet, ok gang, you know what to do.

Hermione observed a strange sort of ritualistic dance that every member of the Cullens, Bella and Jacob did, all shouting out their names. They formed a circle with all their arms outstretched and hands overlapping in the centre.

"JACOB!"  
"ALICE!"  
"JASPER!"  
"EMMET!"  
"BELLA!"  
"EDWARD!"

"ESME!"

"ROSEALIE!"

"CARLISLE!"

At the end of the strange ritual there was a blinding flash of light and in the place where the Cullen's, Bella and Jacob had been standing there was something else.

Hermione was astounded as they all combined to make a super vampire-wolf-dog-girl-thing.

"Lol" was all Hermione could muster.  
"Lmao" Voldemort agreed.  
"Rofl" groaned Ron.  
"Oh I thought I killed you, shut up Ron!"... Hermione threw a piano at the emasculated red-nut.

Super vampire-wolf-dog-girl thing spoke  
"Well Moldey-thingy… time to die!"  
"Oh I don't think so!" answered Voldemort  
"Awesomeo-summon-o!"  
A great door appeared out of no where, out of it came quite possibly the greatest association of awesomeness that was ever assembled.

Hulk Hogan, The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Mr.T, Mike Tyson, Vin Diesel, Link (off the Zelda games), The Power Rangers, Simba, Lilo and Stitch, Fedor Emelianenko, Neville Longbottom… aha joking he wasn't there he died of crocodile related injures… Tupac, Biggie, Eminem (chicka-chicka Slim Shady), Eazy – E and the rest of NWA, Mick Jagger, Elvis Presley, Eddie Murphey, Reg Reagon, Ex-President Nixon, John Howard, Wonder Woman, Emma Watson, Amanda Bynes, Clair Danes, don't worry not Mily Cirus, Johnathon Thurston, Dan Carter, James Hetfield, That really hot chick off "Underworld", (shes my PDH teacher she's really cool), Man-bear-pig, Rocky Marciano, Rocky AND Rambo… and finally Chuck Norris.  
All stepped out of the door.  
"Oh fuck this shit" said a very worried looking… dog vampire thingy… whatever.  
The ass kicking that followed was amazing. None but Hermione survived as she drank polyjuice potion and turned into a cat and hid, and when the big mad dog cat vampire girl thingy was dismantled Edward quickly stunned all the awesome-crew with his sexiness and run off. He later found Hermione and married her, and had six children with her. Afterwards the potion wore off and Edward discovered Hermione was in fact not a cat. At which point he killed her and ate her face.

THE END.:) ahahhaha for Evie.  
By Sammy.


End file.
